Death and letting go of fear

Death is a profound human experience . As someone approaches death their emotional and spiritual needs are as great if not greater than those of their bodies.
As we age and as a society we have become more obsessed with quality of life it is only natural that we start to scrutinise what constitutes a good death and how we might improve the inevetable .
Once a subject shelved at the back of our minds never to be spoken of , death increasingly concerns us .
Many who work in palliative care , hospice setting encourage people  into conversation around death and dying. To help people consider fears and choices around the inevitabilty of dying and death.
As one hospice worker said, "We try to risk manage fires and earthquakes, but we don't prepare for our own death.
Becoming acquanited with death and the  release of the fears, trepidations and denials of this occurance enhance our appreciation of life.  The revolution in bedside ritual of the dying has bought in much to stengthen the emotional and psychological support given. Sometimes  in the form of forgiveness , memiors of a life looked back on, letters to the future generations. Gratitude and celebration of the life well lived.
A new learning has entered this ritual where the person is encouraged to release and share stories. To let go of close loved ones while sharing the love that underpinned the relationships. To forgive what might appear to be unhealed complications in families. Where to the person transitioning these memories are now no more than perceived hinderances.
It is possible to pass over with love and equaminity. The lost art of caring for the dying encompasses a holistic approach that lessens the sense of helplessness a person might feel.
Death is not the end of a series of medical events or tragic accidents but a profound human experience.
We are moving toward love and away from our collective fear and in so doing regaining the art of listening to the dying in a metaphysical sense as a well as being  practical in the hear and now.

Coping with Grief at Christmas

Coping with Grief at Christmas Time
by Doris Zagdanski

For some people, Christmas is not the season to be jolly.
For some people, this Christmas will be filled with sad
memories of someone close who is no longer here...

Facing your first Christmas without someone you
love can be a very lonely and daunting time.
There may be expectations that you will put up the
Christmas tree, send out greeting cards, go out
Christmas shopping and join family and friends for
Christmas dinner...especially because others want
to see you coping and moving on.
But when you’re grieving this can be really difficult.
You may have no inclination or energy to ‘pretend’
that you are looking forward to Christmas when in
truth you wish things were the way they were last
year - when you were still together with your loved
one.
On the other hand, some people want to handle Christmas time by doing
things in the same way as always - not changing anything and keeping to
the same routines and family rituals. Keeping to the familiar gives them
comfort.
When you’re grieving, everyone handles their emotions and reactions
differently. Here are three tips if you’re facing the dilemma of how to handle
this Christmas:
1. Give yourself permission not to do the things that you’re finding hard
to do - writing Christmas cards, putting up the tree, going to
Christmas parties - it’s alright to let these go this year or next, until
you can cope with social events again.
2. Make a point of remembering your loved one in a special way - light
a candle for them on Christmas Day, place an ornament on the
Christmas tree to symbolise them, buy a gift for a needy child or
family in place of the gift you would have bought.
3. Allow yourself to grieve - the days leading up to Christmas (and other
significant days on the calendar) can heighten your grief. Seeing
other couples and families together just hurts. Seeing the empty
place at the Christmas table will be hard to bear. It’s alright to cry and
let people know that it’s hard living without someone special. Try not
to bottle up your feelings. Now’s the time to tell a close friend that
you’re struggling to put on a happy face.
And, if you know someone who is grieving this Christmas, give them a
call, write them a special card, invite them over for a quiet get together,
speak up and acknowledge their loss, and have the courage to mention the
name of their loved one … and let them know that you understand that it
may be a hard time for them because it’s Christmas… and there are
memory triggers everywhere of a missing face, an empty chair and silent
thoughts of the way Christmas used to be.

We have a choice

When Ms. Bronnie Ware, a woman who worked for years with the dying, wrote a list of the top 5 regrets people say aloud on their deathbed, I teared up a little bit. Here is her original text. May it be as much a  blessing to you as it was for me.

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For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice.  They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.