As We Age, Faceing Our Own Death!

 Yesterday I made a trip to the supermarket, and was delighted to be able to help an elderly couple with some of shoppings little snags such as pulling the trolley out and reaching for higher goods. They so rememinded me of my parents, I wanted to go home with them. But as we chatted, the woman said to me" "Don't get to be 85, it isnt fun, and I am not sure I signed on for this"?

My response was "Well I think I did sign on , and it is enevitable, unless I die sooner". And there lies the whole dilemna of ageing. How we view it, how we traverse it, and what psychological and spiritual work we need to do for this stage of life to be fullfilling for each of us.

My generation of baby boomers is currently careing for ageing parents and faceing up to these issues.
We have such a wonderful opportunity for new ways to view this world.

I was recently talking with a friend about the care of her ageing mother, which she is doing in her home with occassional help from other family members. The thing she said that effected her most was the overwhelming nature of the care needed for a person in the end stages of life. The vulnerability of the person is not just something that needs care but reflects deeply on the relationship between this woman and her mother and the life they have spent together. Accepting this passage of life as inevitiable, can be firstly an intellectual and emotional stumbling block, because it want it to be otherwise.

The mind somehow doesn't want to see, or ruin, our memories of a once vibrant mother, with all her faculties in place, cooking for family gatherings, loving us and our partners, welcoming the new members of family. Somehow above the petty squabbles, and vieing for top dog in the family hierachy. She just kept loving and accepting.

And here we are faced with a woman who can no longer do these things and needs our care. To bath, to dress, to have food on the plate and get to appointments in that big wide world.

To have this be a time of wonder and joy, as well as coming the deep emtional understanding of our own ageing process and finally death, has taken many of us to new places of understanding and a kind of liberation of who we think we are. Yes we are left with orphan status when when our parents pass on. But it is much more than that.

The opportunity for a forgiveing and almost innocent relationship is on offer. As the older person relinquishes the world, and has less and less interest in the things that held a focus in the past, a new more inward looking, sometimes subtle, change occurs.

It is at this time, from my experience and talking with others that the care can change from the physical to a more bringing forth of the joy and innocense of a remembering, and this may look  childlike.

But it is I think the natural rememberance of where we came from in the first place. And a longing can set in for the passing on to occur.
This looks to us like acceptance.
Or it can look a little like a sort of dementia, where the person has one foot in this world and one in another.

The readiness for this major event, is natural.
However it can be aided by our acceptance, standing back, loving, helping and just being present.

While we miss and grieve for those who are passing or have passed. This is not about us. It isn't about hanging on, to the physical, trying to get the staus quo to remain or blanking out what we don't want to happen. This is only fear of our own reluctance to face our own mortality, and can with be looked at square on and released without much todo.

Recently I spoke about the joy of meditiating with friends not just with aquantances, and this I mentioned is particularily important with the elderly and those readying themselves to pass on.

Lastly I want to mention the role of forgiveness. Which is something that often starts to happen naturally for some older people, and can be encouraged in story telling and journaling, about their life. All lives have the wonder of history and therefore interest of ongoing generations.

But here I want to mention the forgiveness work necessary for the carer to feel free of burden, worry and anxiety about the future, and their part in the demise of the elderly. The outcome would be the acceptance of death and passing on as an occurance of inevitablity. The love with which we do this is up to us and takes using the processes of forgiveness on a daily basis. We are not seperate entities but totally connected to each other on a plane of knowledge, that because the elderly, having done their worldly duties, is now opening up to and being revealed in unique ways not to be missed.

It takes seeing the elderly as whole and innocent, seeing beyond the body, with the eyes of spiritual wonder to the empowering knowledge that a life well lived, whatever it has looked like is what it is. And is to be loved.

All the best

Reverend Margo  Knox

ph 0409476803 margo@gracefultransitions.com.au
http://www.gracefultransitions.com.au

Ageing: The Potential; Making it Conscious

 Ageing:
Ageing can be a conscious journey into your own lived and experienced Wisdom.
This  involves developing the inner resources to adapt to ageing instead of denying it; it is taking a step to ensure that the next phase of life is filled with self-discovery and deliberate choices.
It is expected that around 3 million Baby Boomers will retire from the workforce in the next decade. Life expectancy keeps increasing.
After reaching the peak of our careers and our kids having left home, we have decades of life before us for which our culture offers us little preparation and no model.
I am developing a course that offers a radical new vision of ageing.
Supported by recent brain research, it argues that increased longevity calls for the development of an expanded consciousness and the evolution of a vital role for elders that no one else can fill;
It recontextualises ageing as the anticipated fulfilment of life, rather than its inevitable decline
 Contemplating the big questions, such as, ‘what has it all meant and what is my purpose?’ This  may or may not not yield the answers, although it could point you in the direction and  help to clarify many long held questions; what is important to us from our present perspective?

Conscious Aging Journey into Your Wisdom.
The work of 'conscious aging', is based on the work of pioneers in this field, in particular Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, author of From Age-ing to Sage-ing and Ram  Dass ( Still Here). It is based on the view that the later stage of life has  within it the unique potential for growth for those willing to pursue it.  Half of all people who have ever lived to be 65 are currently alive. We are  retiring sooner, living longer and facing decades of life for which we have had little preparation.  The workshop will provide an introduction to the theory and introduce some of  the practices which make acquiring the qualities of an "elder" a deliberate  outcome rather than a lucky break.  In the workshop we will begin to explore:
 Our images of aging
* How we'd like to use our vastly increased longevity 
* Alternative visions of aging ( looking at self beliefs, boundaries, and imposed ideas, both self ansd societal)
* Making an intentional inner journey to review our past , writing an intentional journal of our lives.
* Discovering the gift of forgiveness
* Converting the rich experiences of a long life into wisdom to benefit  ourselves and others ( Don't sell  
   yourself short!)
* Identifying our beliefs and values, philosophies and life lessons learned 
* Reigniting our passions and creatively 
* Facing mortality as a natural part of the life cycle so we can savor each  day rather than obsess about the future.  The workshops are for:  * Those nearing retirement or retired * Adults who wish to design their second half of life
I will be holding introductions to this workshop on the Gold Coast particularly the aspects of
forgiveness and journaling . Please contact for details margo@gracefultransitions.com.au
ph 0409476803 http://www.gracefultransitions.com.au

"We are alive, therefore we will die."

The Prophet ,Kahlil Gibran, On Death  

"You would know the secret of death. But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heath of life? The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light. If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life. For life and death are one, even as the river and sea are one. In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond; and like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring. Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity. Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honor. Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king? Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling? For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered? Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance." 

What is Death
" Death is the cessation of the connection between our Mind and our body." 
Although intellectually we all know that one day we shall die, generally we are so reluctant to think of our death that this knowledge does not touch our hearts, and we live our life as if we were going to be in this world forever. 
As a result the things of this world – such as material possessions, reputation, popularity, and the pleasures of the senses – become of paramount importance, so we devote almost all our time and energy to obtaining them and engage in many negative actions for their sake. We are so preoccupied with the concerns of this life that there is little room in our mind for genuine spiritual practice. When the time of death actually arrives we discover that by having ignored death all our life we are completely unprepared. 
What is death?  
Death is the cessation of the connection between our Mind and our body. 
Most people believe that death takes place when the heart stops beating; but this does not mean that the person has died, because his subtle Mind may still remain in his body. Death occurs when the subtle consciousness finally leaves the body . Our body is like a guesthouse and our Mind like the guest. The Mind is neither physical, nor a by-product of purely physical processes,( the Mind is not the brain) but is a formless continuum that is both a separate entity from the body and at one with the body. This pardox allows us to know the Higher Mind while living in the body. When the body disintegrates at death the Mind does not cease. 
Although our superficial conscious mind (the daily chattering mind) ceases, it does so by dissolving into a deeper level of consciousness, the very subtle mind; and the continuum of the very subtle mind has no beginning and no end. It is this mind which, when we spend time and effort to understand and let go our worldly attachments, including fear,anxiety, misery and the idea that material goods and societies pressure to live with prestige will make one happy.  
The transition of death can be made easier through an active forgiveness of self. 
Some people do it by actively gathering friends and loved ones around. Others do it by themselves. Still others do it long before the last stages life knowing that dying to grievance and arising to the life of forgiveness, daily,  affords us the ease to pass over without the baggage of fear.

 Peace of Mind
  Peace with my heart Peace, my heart, let the time for the parting be sweet. Let it not be a death but completeness. Let love melt into memory and pain into songs. Let the flight through the sky end in the folding of the wings over the nest. Let the last touch of your hands be gentle like the flower of the night. Stand still, O Beautiful End, for a moment, and say your last words in silence. I bow to you and hold up my lamp to light you on your way. ~Rabindranath Tagore   

I will come to you to talk of these things, death,life,forgiveness, love.  If  you are in the last stages of life, or you or a close friend or family member is dying. I can come in person if you live near to me on the Gold Coast , Queensland, Australia or we can talk by email margo@gracefultransitions.com.au or by phone or skype . please contact   Margo Knox  http://www.gracefultransitions.com.au

Bereavement & Listening

Bereavement & Listening
A bereaved person who has not sucessfully grieved is more prone to illness, both physical and psychological.
There are several basic principals to remember:
It is normal and healthy to express intense and painful emotions relating to loss.
Grieving is important for healing the wound of seperation
A bereaved person may experience a wide range of feelings ; shock, sadness, anger, guilt, depression, and despair, as well as relief, hope and acceptance.
The painful feelings will diminish with time. if they remain intense and prolonged, then professional help may be required
A total absence of grief, when a person carries on as thought nothing has happened, is not healthy sign and also may indicate the need for professional help.
(Thanks to Mal McKissock, "Coping with Grief")
When listening to friend or relative who is grieving, firstly listen and listening deeply.
They do not want to be "fixed up"
Their grief is normal and real for them.
If  it makes you afraid or not know what to say.
Then dont say anything .
 Remain calm and open.
Then at a later date ask yourself what the fear is?
Is there grief you haven't dealt with?
Are you afriad of the death and dying process?
All these questions will come up for you when you have a close friend or relative die.
They are wonderful questions to tackle in life
Because they are life's big questions
All the best
The questions you face for yourself or your family can be worked through with someone like myself,

Margo Knox
Iam available by email or phone or in person on the Gold Coast , Australia
margo@gracefultransitions.com.au
ph 0409476803

http://www.gracefultransitions.com.au

Aged Care Nurses

I have begun recently to work with some of our dear nurses.
The ones who work tirelessly in Aged Care,. The nurses who help so many people into their dying with a  comfortable position to transition and let go of the earthly life.
Moving on and leaving family, friends and loved ones.
However these nurses are at the forefront in their profession of having ALL their clints d ie.
It is what they do. They celebrate with joy and love the lives of their patients in care. They help with keeping the body functioning and the mind as joyful and free of cares and worries as possible, during this process of ageing and the last stages of peoples life.
Sometimes they get to know the person better than their own family because they are there, and families these days are scattered all over the globe. They form a vital relationship in this process of care to ageing persons who cannot any longer care adequately  for themselves.
I have been talking to nurses about the loss and subsequent grief that can experienced in their jobs.
Traditionally the idea of creating "professional" distance for nurses has been upheld, often to the detriment of both nurse and patient. By not allowing for the natural formation of attachment and relationship.
This has changed especially as aged care facilities improve and we learn to respect the ageing process, and not turn our backs, on the inevitable trajectory of our lives.
Nurses who do or can be attached to patients/residents/clients in their care may experience a deree of grief following death. This loss is often experienced as pain and would be best validated and held in esteem rather denied and pushed to one side.
Grief is an integral part of the celebration of life.
We are all interconnected in our daily lives and in ways that are sometimes not evident.
Being able to freely express grief and loss takes us all a little closer to knowing ourselves as being One with the All and being compassionate to ourselves leads to compassion for others.
If your aged care facility would like to participate in this program please contact
Margo 0409476803
This program is educational , learning to share the responses to death and dying in a way that suits the individual. Education on the process called grief and loss and how unexpressed feeling states of grief will cause  difficulty within the body with stress and or sickness. Nurses deserve the very best of care!

Peter Fenwick's talk on Death & Dying

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-CXpReUpiM

This a link to Peter Fenwick talking about Death & Dying
it is informative and easy to watch  

Death and letting go of fear

Death is a profound human experience . As someone approaches death their emotional and spiritual needs are as great if not greater than those of their bodies.
As we age and as a society we have become more obsessed with quality of life it is only natural that we start to scrutinise what constitutes a good death and how we might improve the inevetable .
Once a subject shelved at the back of our minds never to be spoken of , death increasingly concerns us .
Many who work in palliative care , hospice setting encourage people  into conversation around death and dying. To help people consider fears and choices around the inevitabilty of dying and death.
As one hospice worker said, "We try to risk manage fires and earthquakes, but we don't prepare for our own death.
Becoming acquanited with death and the  release of the fears, trepidations and denials of this occurance enhance our appreciation of life.  The revolution in bedside ritual of the dying has bought in much to stengthen the emotional and psychological support given. Sometimes  in the form of forgiveness , memiors of a life looked back on, letters to the future generations. Gratitude and celebration of the life well lived.
A new learning has entered this ritual where the person is encouraged to release and share stories. To let go of close loved ones while sharing the love that underpinned the relationships. To forgive what might appear to be unhealed complications in families. Where to the person transitioning these memories are now no more than perceived hinderances.
It is possible to pass over with love and equaminity. The lost art of caring for the dying encompasses a holistic approach that lessens the sense of helplessness a person might feel.
Death is not the end of a series of medical events or tragic accidents but a profound human experience.
We are moving toward love and away from our collective fear and in so doing regaining the art of listening to the dying in a metaphysical sense as a well as being  practical in the hear and now.