"We are alive, therefore we will die."

The Prophet ,Kahlil Gibran, On Death  

"You would know the secret of death. But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heath of life? The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light. If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life. For life and death are one, even as the river and sea are one. In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond; and like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring. Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity. Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honor. Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king? Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling? For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered? Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance." 

What is Death
" Death is the cessation of the connection between our Mind and our body." 
Although intellectually we all know that one day we shall die, generally we are so reluctant to think of our death that this knowledge does not touch our hearts, and we live our life as if we were going to be in this world forever. 
As a result the things of this world – such as material possessions, reputation, popularity, and the pleasures of the senses – become of paramount importance, so we devote almost all our time and energy to obtaining them and engage in many negative actions for their sake. We are so preoccupied with the concerns of this life that there is little room in our mind for genuine spiritual practice. When the time of death actually arrives we discover that by having ignored death all our life we are completely unprepared. 
What is death?  
Death is the cessation of the connection between our Mind and our body. 
Most people believe that death takes place when the heart stops beating; but this does not mean that the person has died, because his subtle Mind may still remain in his body. Death occurs when the subtle consciousness finally leaves the body . Our body is like a guesthouse and our Mind like the guest. The Mind is neither physical, nor a by-product of purely physical processes,( the Mind is not the brain) but is a formless continuum that is both a separate entity from the body and at one with the body. This pardox allows us to know the Higher Mind while living in the body. When the body disintegrates at death the Mind does not cease. 
Although our superficial conscious mind (the daily chattering mind) ceases, it does so by dissolving into a deeper level of consciousness, the very subtle mind; and the continuum of the very subtle mind has no beginning and no end. It is this mind which, when we spend time and effort to understand and let go our worldly attachments, including fear,anxiety, misery and the idea that material goods and societies pressure to live with prestige will make one happy.  
The transition of death can be made easier through an active forgiveness of self. 
Some people do it by actively gathering friends and loved ones around. Others do it by themselves. Still others do it long before the last stages life knowing that dying to grievance and arising to the life of forgiveness, daily,  affords us the ease to pass over without the baggage of fear.

 Peace of Mind
  Peace with my heart Peace, my heart, let the time for the parting be sweet. Let it not be a death but completeness. Let love melt into memory and pain into songs. Let the flight through the sky end in the folding of the wings over the nest. Let the last touch of your hands be gentle like the flower of the night. Stand still, O Beautiful End, for a moment, and say your last words in silence. I bow to you and hold up my lamp to light you on your way. ~Rabindranath Tagore   

I will come to you to talk of these things, death,life,forgiveness, love.  If  you are in the last stages of life, or you or a close friend or family member is dying. I can come in person if you live near to me on the Gold Coast , Queensland, Australia or we can talk by email margo@gracefultransitions.com.au or by phone or skype . please contact   Margo Knox  http://www.gracefultransitions.com.au

Bereavement & Listening

Bereavement & Listening
A bereaved person who has not sucessfully grieved is more prone to illness, both physical and psychological.
There are several basic principals to remember:
It is normal and healthy to express intense and painful emotions relating to loss.
Grieving is important for healing the wound of seperation
A bereaved person may experience a wide range of feelings ; shock, sadness, anger, guilt, depression, and despair, as well as relief, hope and acceptance.
The painful feelings will diminish with time. if they remain intense and prolonged, then professional help may be required
A total absence of grief, when a person carries on as thought nothing has happened, is not healthy sign and also may indicate the need for professional help.
(Thanks to Mal McKissock, "Coping with Grief")
When listening to friend or relative who is grieving, firstly listen and listening deeply.
They do not want to be "fixed up"
Their grief is normal and real for them.
If  it makes you afraid or not know what to say.
Then dont say anything .
 Remain calm and open.
Then at a later date ask yourself what the fear is?
Is there grief you haven't dealt with?
Are you afriad of the death and dying process?
All these questions will come up for you when you have a close friend or relative die.
They are wonderful questions to tackle in life
Because they are life's big questions
All the best
The questions you face for yourself or your family can be worked through with someone like myself,

Margo Knox
Iam available by email or phone or in person on the Gold Coast , Australia
margo@gracefultransitions.com.au
ph 0409476803

http://www.gracefultransitions.com.au

Aged Care Nurses

I have begun recently to work with some of our dear nurses.
The ones who work tirelessly in Aged Care,. The nurses who help so many people into their dying with a  comfortable position to transition and let go of the earthly life.
Moving on and leaving family, friends and loved ones.
However these nurses are at the forefront in their profession of having ALL their clints d ie.
It is what they do. They celebrate with joy and love the lives of their patients in care. They help with keeping the body functioning and the mind as joyful and free of cares and worries as possible, during this process of ageing and the last stages of peoples life.
Sometimes they get to know the person better than their own family because they are there, and families these days are scattered all over the globe. They form a vital relationship in this process of care to ageing persons who cannot any longer care adequately  for themselves.
I have been talking to nurses about the loss and subsequent grief that can experienced in their jobs.
Traditionally the idea of creating "professional" distance for nurses has been upheld, often to the detriment of both nurse and patient. By not allowing for the natural formation of attachment and relationship.
This has changed especially as aged care facilities improve and we learn to respect the ageing process, and not turn our backs, on the inevitable trajectory of our lives.
Nurses who do or can be attached to patients/residents/clients in their care may experience a deree of grief following death. This loss is often experienced as pain and would be best validated and held in esteem rather denied and pushed to one side.
Grief is an integral part of the celebration of life.
We are all interconnected in our daily lives and in ways that are sometimes not evident.
Being able to freely express grief and loss takes us all a little closer to knowing ourselves as being One with the All and being compassionate to ourselves leads to compassion for others.
If your aged care facility would like to participate in this program please contact
Margo 0409476803
This program is educational , learning to share the responses to death and dying in a way that suits the individual. Education on the process called grief and loss and how unexpressed feeling states of grief will cause  difficulty within the body with stress and or sickness. Nurses deserve the very best of care!

Peter Fenwick's talk on Death & Dying

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-CXpReUpiM

This a link to Peter Fenwick talking about Death & Dying
it is informative and easy to watch  

Death and letting go of fear

Death is a profound human experience . As someone approaches death their emotional and spiritual needs are as great if not greater than those of their bodies.
As we age and as a society we have become more obsessed with quality of life it is only natural that we start to scrutinise what constitutes a good death and how we might improve the inevetable .
Once a subject shelved at the back of our minds never to be spoken of , death increasingly concerns us .
Many who work in palliative care , hospice setting encourage people  into conversation around death and dying. To help people consider fears and choices around the inevitabilty of dying and death.
As one hospice worker said, "We try to risk manage fires and earthquakes, but we don't prepare for our own death.
Becoming acquanited with death and the  release of the fears, trepidations and denials of this occurance enhance our appreciation of life.  The revolution in bedside ritual of the dying has bought in much to stengthen the emotional and psychological support given. Sometimes  in the form of forgiveness , memiors of a life looked back on, letters to the future generations. Gratitude and celebration of the life well lived.
A new learning has entered this ritual where the person is encouraged to release and share stories. To let go of close loved ones while sharing the love that underpinned the relationships. To forgive what might appear to be unhealed complications in families. Where to the person transitioning these memories are now no more than perceived hinderances.
It is possible to pass over with love and equaminity. The lost art of caring for the dying encompasses a holistic approach that lessens the sense of helplessness a person might feel.
Death is not the end of a series of medical events or tragic accidents but a profound human experience.
We are moving toward love and away from our collective fear and in so doing regaining the art of listening to the dying in a metaphysical sense as a well as being  practical in the hear and now.

Coping with Grief at Christmas

Coping with Grief at Christmas Time
by Doris Zagdanski

For some people, Christmas is not the season to be jolly.
For some people, this Christmas will be filled with sad
memories of someone close who is no longer here...

Facing your first Christmas without someone you
love can be a very lonely and daunting time.
There may be expectations that you will put up the
Christmas tree, send out greeting cards, go out
Christmas shopping and join family and friends for
Christmas dinner...especially because others want
to see you coping and moving on.
But when you’re grieving this can be really difficult.
You may have no inclination or energy to ‘pretend’
that you are looking forward to Christmas when in
truth you wish things were the way they were last
year - when you were still together with your loved
one.
On the other hand, some people want to handle Christmas time by doing
things in the same way as always - not changing anything and keeping to
the same routines and family rituals. Keeping to the familiar gives them
comfort.
When you’re grieving, everyone handles their emotions and reactions
differently. Here are three tips if you’re facing the dilemma of how to handle
this Christmas:
1. Give yourself permission not to do the things that you’re finding hard
to do - writing Christmas cards, putting up the tree, going to
Christmas parties - it’s alright to let these go this year or next, until
you can cope with social events again.
2. Make a point of remembering your loved one in a special way - light
a candle for them on Christmas Day, place an ornament on the
Christmas tree to symbolise them, buy a gift for a needy child or
family in place of the gift you would have bought.
3. Allow yourself to grieve - the days leading up to Christmas (and other
significant days on the calendar) can heighten your grief. Seeing
other couples and families together just hurts. Seeing the empty
place at the Christmas table will be hard to bear. It’s alright to cry and
let people know that it’s hard living without someone special. Try not
to bottle up your feelings. Now’s the time to tell a close friend that
you’re struggling to put on a happy face.
And, if you know someone who is grieving this Christmas, give them a
call, write them a special card, invite them over for a quiet get together,
speak up and acknowledge their loss, and have the courage to mention the
name of their loved one … and let them know that you understand that it
may be a hard time for them because it’s Christmas… and there are
memory triggers everywhere of a missing face, an empty chair and silent
thoughts of the way Christmas used to be.

We have a choice

When Ms. Bronnie Ware, a woman who worked for years with the dying, wrote a list of the top 5 regrets people say aloud on their deathbed, I teared up a little bit. Here is her original text. May it be as much a  blessing to you as it was for me.

---
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice.  They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.